Kikay Speaks

of questions and uncertainties...

2007-01-11T12:31:43Z

i just want to immortalize a poem written by one of my dear cousins recently -- when he was oh so broken hearted by this damn guuurrrllll...

damn girlsss.. always breaking boys' hearts.. ooopss! hihi! ;-)

why must all things that i put my heart and soul to slip away?
eternally, is the role of the fool, the only one i get to play?
as i try and stand, battered and bruised, after the onslaught,
thoughts waiting to be expressed, in my throat get caught...
as i look around, dazed and confused, after the squall,
gestures waiting to be done, inside of me held in thrall...
the life, the love, the sacrifice, the fight, was it all in vain?
thinking clearly rendered impossible by all this pain...
sleepless are the nights, miserable are the days of torment,
doubt, fear and despair devour me every single moment...
i gave my life and everything i am to have all i want and need,
all the rules i broke, all the threats i took no time to heed...
i had all i wanted and needed, i wished for nothing more,
now all is lost, the emptiness is tearing at my very core...
how i wish things would get mended and all will be well,
for i know not how long i can withstand this day to day hell...
but if this truly is the end, then believe me when i say,
i love you so very much, and forever that's how i'll stay...

a fun unplanned NYE

2007-01-02T14:45:02Z

we went out the night before and so our creative juices to have THE most exciting NYE experience was in doom... one wants to see some fireworks display. i wanted to go bar hopping, and my friends' company invited all of us to spend the 31st with them at this hotel for a company party.

so we hauled our butts to this hotel and ate and drank a bit.

now the guys we met the night before also wanted to meet up. so we decided to leave the party and meet them up at madinat. left the hotel at 11PM, after all, this is the middle east. they would usually stay at home, right?

wrong!

we underestimated their NYE celebration. we quite forgot that Dubai is comprised mostly of expats -- expats who like to party on NYE... like us!

and yes, the unfortunate thing happened... the one we all dreaded.. we spent NYE on the road! stuck in traffic! we could see madinat... we were so close yet so far! and the unexpected happened.

at exactly 12MN, fireworks erupted near burj al arab. it was sssooooo nice! approximately 10 minutes display of kaleidoscope of colors in the sky. turned out to be the great stuck-up in our lives coz if we were already inside madinat, we would not have seen it. blessing in disguise? hmmm...

ok so traffic is moving now. but when we were about to go straight to madinat, the traffic police all diverted us to another route! what?! the road is starting to look like one big parking lot. so we parked opposite al qasr which is like almost 2 kilometer walk to madinat... huhuhu... heels are freakin' killing us...

and when we arrived at bar zar, the meeting place, we could not get inside because it was already full. great! my bar hopping plans went down the drain. what were we thinking of coming in on the 11th hour?! sigh...

so the poor guys had to get out of the bar and we all decided to spend the eve at a friend's place. turned out to be quite fun in the end - all got drunk and chatty. quite a combination!

sad christmas

2006-12-27T15:32:17Z

i feel so sorry for my friend...
christmas eve her father died of heart attack
she took the first flight home - 1AM on the 25th of December
and now, her mother might follow leaving her son all alone - since her parents are taking care of their grand son
it sucks knowing that these things happen to one of my friends
would've been a great christmas

i remember my uncle died last year - a week before Christmas
what's with the season anyway

and what bothers me most is that here i am enjoying myself
looking forward to parties and the festivities
when those dear to me are grieving

sigh

parties... parties.. and more parties

2006-12-26T13:53:24Z

and i couldn't make up my mind which one i should attend.

i mean, this is dubai! and ad pages in newspapers and magazines are all screaming new year's eve parties!!! find it so hard to decide. me and my friends are debating until now where we should go, what would be the coolest happening in town.

there's paul oakenfield at dubai international convention center and ticket prices are way way way out of our league. it would only go to waste since we agreed to go club hopping!the fairmont dubai hotel has like 4 NYE events in one day!!! i bet they are strategizing now on how to man the posts! hehehe...

hmmm... what to do?!?! (with a pout and a thinking cap)

i still have 5 days more to go!

happy holidays!

2006-12-24T13:28:12Z

tis the season to be jolly
to be naughty and nice!
huh?!

just nice...

hmm.. hope good ol' santa won't forget me this year..
he kinda drove his sleigh past my rooftop last year ;-(

oh well, life isn't always fair!

thinking of getting drunk tonight
but it's christmas the morning after
and i still have my driving course
and hopefully pass my road test on the 26th

maybe i should ask santa for that?
or should it be the leprechaun with his pot of gold at
the end of the rainbow?

hmmmm...

twisted tales on christmas!

should not happen on New Year though!

they said New Year in Dubai is great! can't wait to experience it...

hmmm... who would i be exchanging smacks on New Year?! ;-)

mail sorting (and some daydreams)

2006-12-18T10:10:18Z

now i'm regretting why i didn't sort out my mails when they started pouring in 4 years ago...
it's so time consuming... such a tedious task!
but then nothing beats the memories/ flash backs it brought:
1. letter of apologies
2. summons from previous boss
3. irate emails from clients!
4. feel good mails
5. not to mention the naughty stuff! (haha!)

hmmmmm... when can i possibly finish this. my starbucks frappucino is running out. adding up another one won't help as it is already freezing cold outside! no snow though... dang!

time for a cooch! but with whom?!

it's been a while...

2006-12-15T14:39:10Z

since i dropped by and said hi...
nothing much really
had a roller coaster ride...
i hope all will get better in due course..
they will..
insha allah...

10... 9... 8...

2006-08-09T18:20:48Z

i'm counting the days til i start my work on the 15th...
in the meantime, i'm going around in the city with a friend in her car.. familiarize the place... until i get my U.A.E driver's license and buy myself a car.. :)

kilig

2006-07-26T07:06:57Z

am grinning ear to ear
when you called me "beh"
unknowingly
unconsciously
"beh".

gone going gone

2006-07-13T15:31:11Z

tomorrow will be my last day at home. but i'm restraining myself now from crying or missing or contemplating what life would be... i know it's gonna be hard tomorrow.. especially on saturday when i put my trunk in the car and say goodbye to my family as they send me off to the airport.

it's gonna be tough on all of us.. me leaving the country alone. adventurous, but tough and heartbreaking... tomorrow is another day.

garfield-like

2006-06-30T16:56:12Z

enjoying the good life without having to work for it. i think that's what i wanna do in my mid-30s until i die. but i have to work like shit... first things first: i have to find a work that will support my future lifestyle.

ambitious as it may seem but that's what i wanna do. eventually, we all want that. we're just getting there in our own pace and achieving it in varying degrees.

i wanna give my folks a house, a car and retirement money for each of them.... then i'll take care of myself next. haha! i hope i don't have to move my age goal forward. i'm not seeing a bright future... haha..

dubai is my hope. if i don't find a job there to my liking or don't get a work visa on time, i'm coming back here and try that surgetech training (hope i'm spelling it right). at least it's nearer to one of my childhood dreams of becoming a doctor among the long list of ambitions: flight attendant, manager, dentist, psychologist... blah blah blah...

gosh i'm a bit worried now about my future...

penniless birthday

2006-06-30T15:41:38Z

in a few minutes, it will officially be my sister and dad's birthday. yes. lucky that they were born on the same year. saves us money on the party. haha. yet this is not the case for my sister. i recall when she was in fourth grade, she told my dad to move his birthday to july 5 so she can have all the gifts and attention to herself. hehehe... well, that still holds true even to this day. why july 5, we dunno. she doesn't either.

so, what did i get them? nothing. i'm still thinking where i will get the money. well, my friend paid me up for some favor i did for her. but i'm still contemplating if i'm gonna use it to get back some of my jewelry from the pawnshop or buy my folks some timely present. i'm still contemplating on that right now.

i'm secretly hoping my boyfriend will choose for me. i'm waiting for his reply right now on the dilemma i subtly presented to him.

wait. hold on. he just texted.

............................. hmmm, he says i should buy a gift. ok. problem solved :)

bluer than blue

2006-06-29T18:41:24Z

i dunno what's in me but i think i scare the living shit out of the guys i just wanna befriend. do i come out too strong? a bit aggressive? or am i just not plain interesting? i think it's the former.

but then, i don't even flirt with them so how come they get the wrong vibe? can i not get some descent, casual conversation? does it always have to be filled with malicious -- let's make this less ugly -- undertones? i surely would not agree.

maybe it's still in our culture. double standard. or maybe they are just thinking way ahead. heck! i really don't know. whenever i talk to a guy with the cleanest of intentions, either they think i'm playing with them, teasing, or too forward and direct.

gosh! i can't bear this. i just wanna have a nice boy to girl talk... i mean, i have lots of questions i need to ask about guys and who better to answer them than those of the same species?! but i guess i have to trudge a long, arduous path... something i'm impatient to try waking on. i've been doing it since high school, trying to be careful that i don't send mixed signals or that i don't step on someone else's shoes.

truth be told: i'm confident, strong, and charming... way more than you or your girl can handle. i can play games or cut you off straight. either way, it doesn't seem nice. so if you're not reading the right message, you can totally freak out. fine with me. or you can just totally disappear. which will only be fine with me if i got questions answered before you do.

aaarrrgghhh!!!!!

better make sure this is playing

2006-06-28T18:03:38Z

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

my boyfriend thinks so, too!

2006-06-28T17:59:02Z

You Are a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

misjudged cause i'm apple red? hmmmm...

2006-06-28T17:47:58Z

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun.
And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial.
Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well.
However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

cold and distant

2006-06-28T16:27:51Z

getting used to the thought that you can't see me off. i guess it would be better that way. less heartache... lesser heartbreaks...

i'm not sure how this would affect our relationship. hanging i guess. (sigh) hard but definitely bearable. not my fault. not your fault so you say. blame it on nada mucho dinero. say you can't find any. i can't also offer. i got none. and if i did have, i guess not this time. not anymore. i'm sorry.

so i guess we're back to square one. i leave. you won't be around to see me do. just plain goodbye over the phone. cold. heartless. distant. hey, bright side is, you won't see me cry.

so, goodbye.

birthday greetings

2006-06-27T17:04:52Z

Dear MAB,

I texted this to you around last week I think:
I've been putting this off for as long as I can coz I value our friendship with you, my bf, and your gf. Clearly we're not on the same level. You've shown infidelity and disrespected me by insinuating that I be your fling. You've also disrespected my bf and your gf who happens to be my friend too. I can't be more civil than I already am so I'm dropping my pretentious facade. I'm mad at you for your actions, for the insult to my being, and for even thinking that I'm cheap enough to have a fling with you. If you think of this as a joke, no one's laughing. I'm deeply hurt. You've ruined my trust and our friendship.

I'm still standing by all those things I said to you. I am mad. Who would not be? But then I couldn't be mad at you for a long time. That wouldn't be healthy. And it would put me under so much emotional stress. So I'm doing what I do best: DEADMA.

Yes. NR. Kebs. I've done this before to a friend (although we're already in speaking terms now after 5 long years) and I'm doing this to you now. Can't blame me. You brought this upon yourself. And even though you said sorry, your reason was just so full of shit that I couldn't even stomach it. Huh? Am I hearing you correctly? You're asking me what it was?

Let me refresh you: "... I didn't mean it that way. It was clearly a joke.."

Wrong answer, kiddo! Not the one thing you can tell someone close to you when you've done her wrong. You might wanna rephrase that. If you could remember, I didn't actually address your reply and instead said that hope we got things clear and that you'll make sure it would never happen again. And I told you that I would text you later about my thoughts... and I quite didn't. Well, later in my vocabulary could mean later tonight, tomorrow, or maybe in the next few years. Depends on my mood actually... And right now, me not being happy with you is clearly an understatement. I did us both a favor. I spared myself from saying things you don't wanna hear.

Well, actually now it's indifference towards you. I mean I had wonderful times with you yet I can't help but wonder if those times I spent with you were mixed with malicious intent on your part. I mean COME ON! You even wanted to see me trying on those see-through lingerie!!!! (remember BENCH at Glorietta with my aunt?!?!) And you blame me for bringing my sister when we went to see a movie or asking my BF to come along with us when I got so bored... And the best part? You want me to come and visit you, pay for my round trip fare even and not tell my BF?!?!?

At first I was dismissing them but the nagging part was playing at the back of my head. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. It's just too much now.

So, goodbye. I hope you find your inner peace coz I'm about to get mine already. And I wish you all the best with your GF. She's a great person. Do think twice before you do this again to another girl. If you're not getting any sex, please don't go look for it elsewhere... especially not with me. I'm contented with what I have.

Buy a life and try to live that... and oh, happy birthday.

This could be us...

2006-06-24T16:58:50Z

From Pink's New Single

Who Knew

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
I miss you
My darling
Who knew

I am...

2006-06-23T17:55:32Z

I asked my boyfriend who am I to him and he said:

You're my lover.
my bestfriend.
my confidante.
my control.
my reason.
my direction.
my strength.
my alter ego.
my doppelganger.
my counterpart.

"Unwritten"

2006-06-23T17:36:47Z

The lyrics of this song by Natasha Bedingfield really caught my attention:

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with eyes wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way